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Avoiding an Argument
So what are some of the techniques for getting along with your difficult ex?
One of the basic premises of conflict management is stepping away from an argument. (We hate it when somebody points this out to us, but it really does take two to make an argument.) Defusing an angry verbal assault will help you reduce your own stress level appreciably.
When your spouse or ex begins ranting about your shortcomings as well as those of your children, his or her boss, your mother, the bank, car mechanic, or the world in general, you instinctively feel defensive. You want to set the record straight, and your adrenaline surge makes you want to fight. The result is a pointless shouting match which only ratchets up the mutual level of anger.
Instead try this technique: look him or her in the eye and listen, but don't react. Acknowledge what is being said (or shouted) with replies like:
"I can hear you're angry." or "I can see you're upset." This acknowledges their right to an opinion, and says that you're listening rather than tuning out. It doesn't indicate agreement or disagreement.
A slight variation that accomplishes the same purpose is called mirroring in which you simply reflect back what they've said:
"You're saying you feel frustrated with the visitation schedule." or "You feel I don't keep you up to date on the kids."
With either of these approaches, it's important to avoid loaded language. Resist the temptation to use sarcasm or supposedly innocent emotional jabs. Also avoid using the words "ever" and "never." They can be even more infuriating than shouting and your objective is to de-escalate the heat of the exchange.
Notice, you're not saying you agree or disagree. All you're doing is acknowledging that you hear what the other person is saying. These techniques will let you accomplish two things:
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When you refuse to get into an argument, therapists say you're not picking up the rope (as you would in a tug of war). By the same token, if you stop arguing back, they say you've let go of the rope. Either way the argument can't escalate if you can stay relatively calm and firm.
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The other thing is that some people just love to fish you in and push your hot buttons until they can get you to say something dumb. Then they light into you for that. If you remain neutral, you won't give them any ammunition.
After such an encounter, you may need to go for a long walk, work out at the gym, or gripe to a friend to relieve the stress. But you'll feel far more rational and in control than if you'd joined in the yelling match!
~ March 2000
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