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Dealing with Your Ex After Divorce:
What's the Problem?

Although most of us would like to have a friendly, ongoing relationship with our ex, few can actually pull it off. Often just talking to your former spouse lands you somewhere between annoyed and enraged. Let's consider some of the problems and solutions involved in dealing with your ex.

First let's look at why it's so hard for you to get along with your ex spouse.

1. Hot Buttons: A bad marriage and divorce produce lots of hot buttons. Basically you've had years of experience in "getting to" each other every time you opened your mouths. Maybe that even became your primary means of communicating with each other. You know each other's vulnerabilities all too well.

2. Power Struggles: Sick marriages are often filled with constant arguing, belittling, demeaning, and other intimidating behavior. Did either you or your ex ever snarl, "That's the stupidest thing you've ever said [or done, thought, asked, etc.]!" Do you expect to be wounded every time you're together? Control issues fall into this category. Did either of you seek to have absolute control over the other during your marriage? It's tough to get past that kind of painful conditioning.

3. Differences in Parenting: When it comes to parenting styles, even happily married couples can run into problems. But it's a hundred times more troubling when you feel you're on trial as a marital failure and a poor excuse for a human being. Often the spouses were raised very differently and bring strongly opposing family experiences into the marriage. During times of trouble, we cling even more strongly to what we view as the "right way" to discipline and raise our children.

4. Inflexibility: There can be a powerful need on the part of one or both spouses to not give an inch, and to win every point of argument. If that was true during the marriage, it will be even more evident when both of you are on the defensive.

5. Fear: Fear of physical or emotional attack will usually prevent any kind of healthy interaction. This ties in with the issue of control, but pure fear goes a few steps beyond that. Although it's essential that you listen to your gut feelings and respect your fears, try to find times, places, and ways of communicating with your ex that'll allow you to feel safe.

If you have children with your ex, you'll need to be able to talk to each other from time to time whether you really want to or not. If you don't have children, you may be able to avoid future contact. However, you still need to look at these issues, or you'll continue to feel panicky every time you think your paths might cross.

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