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Diffusing Your Anger

There's almost no end to the sources of anger at the time of divorce. We gave you a few examples in The Divorce Grieving Process article. To those you can add...

• Money is in very short supply.

• You wasted the best years of your life on your ex.

• Your personal debts are rising at an alarming rate.

• You're having trouble getting/keeping/moving up in your job.

• He or she trashed your dreams of happily-ever-aftering.

• You think the world sees you as a big failure. (They don't really.)

• The water heater just started leaking again.

• Your ex continues to be a jerk or jerkess about the kids.

• You feel so much fatter, saggier, duller and/or balder than when you dated before!

And so forth. The anger stretches from the long past to the far reaches of the future with no end in sight. (This is especially true if you're co-parenting.) The following coping mechanisms won't make the bad stuff go away, but they can diffuse your built-up anger before it makes you sick:

1. Journal. Whether you choose pen and paper or computer keyboard, journaling allows you to SCREAM about all those things that are bugging you. Write down all the things and people you're mad about, and let the words flow. Write in large letters. Press down hard. Curse at them if you like. Tell them just what you think of them. If you're computer-oriented, punch the font size up to a 72 pt. size and scream in bold!

2. Swing a ball bat. Whack a pillow or mattress with a plastic baseball bat. Shout NO with each hit. (But not so loud as to alarm the children and the neighbors!) It'll let you release more of your pent-up emotions. You can get more leverage if you kneel on the floor in front of the pillow.

3. Walk. Take long and frequent walks outside. There's a direct correlation between physical exertion and emotional release. In addition, the smells and feel of nature have a healing effect on many of us.

4. Jog, shoot hoops, turn cartwheels, work out at the gym. Again the physical activity will help you vent those negative emotions.

5. Join in a team sport. Various companies, churches, YMCAs and social groups have sports teams with open registration. This is especially good for those who prefer social outings to solo activities.

6. Push on a tree.

7. Join e-mail lists and exchange gripes, solutions and jokes with others who are going through or recovering from divorce. The cyberworld is full of virtual support communities.

Pick whichever of these outlets sounds comfortable for you. Not every strategy is a match for everybody. Use one or several. Keep your anger from overshadowing the pleasant surprises that come with becoming single again.

To learn more about dealing with your angers and fear, read The Divorce Recovery Journal by Linda C. Senn and Mary Stuart, M.A.

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