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Bulletproofing Your Next Relationship
What's the one question asked by virtually all divorced people? "How do I keep from going through this again?" Romance can block our rational thinking and effectively hide the warnings of an unhealthy relationship. There are no guarantees, of course, but you'll improve your odds by following the six steps listed below.
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Pay attention to the red flags that pop up when you're getting to know someone. It's all too natural to put a positive spin on every negative. Is he a flat-out tight wad? Of course not ... he's sensible about excessive spending. Does she chatter incessantly? Why, no. She's bubbly and enthusiastic! Early in your relationship write down your partner's characteristics, both the big ones and the little idiosyncrasies. Petty grievance may not land your new relationship in the dumpster, but it can make you testy enough to blow other things out of proportion.
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Check out his or her family dynamics, both within the family setting and as they view and interact with the outside world. This is a tough one. Sometimes we do rise above the examples that have been set for us. But if you witness psychological abuse, belittling or demeaning behavior, intimidation and extreme selfishness, face them head on.
Does paranoia or suspicion seem to run in the family? What's their attitude about people in positions of authority? Listen to the comments they make while they listen to the news. (If they listen at all!) Is divorce rampant throughout their family? Why?
Discuss your observations with your honey either in a counselor's office or by yourselves. Don't take a shrug for an answer. Your spouse-to-be may feel he or she will be an exemplary partner just because they don't physically attack you, denying the damage of other, subtler forms of abuse. Or they may be fully aware of the unhealthy family dynamic and know what to avoid.
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Ask your closest friends what they think of your romantic partner, and of the two of you as a couple. Be sure you approach friends who'll be honest with you, and don't get angry if their evaluations are less than rosy. Listen. If you don't understand what they're getting at, ask questions.
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Discuss important, bedrock issues with your new amour. Talk about money, children, parenting, your responsibilities to your respective families, and your individual and mutual goals both long term and short. Honesty is all-important here. Making agreeable noises so as not to appear argumentative is pointless. You won't accomplish a thing except to deepen the shade of the phony, rose colored glasses. You're bound to have differing views on some important issues, and this is the time to analyze your own feelings and flexibility as well as your partner's.
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A few sessions of premarital counseling can significantly improve your odds. A neutral party will help you address and deal with your differences. Many happily married couples continue to touch base with their counselor periodically, sometimes monthly, to sort through the day-to-day challenges of family, step-family, in-laws and various other potential stumbling blocks. It's like getting the mental health equivalent of an annual flu shot.
One of the basic tenets of a healthy relationship is accepting your differences. You aren't going to change in any basic way, and neither is your partner. Never go into a relationship figuring that, once the other person changes enough, you'll be comfortable with her. How would you feel knowing she planned to "change" you just enough to suit her requirements? Age and experience usually do make you a little more savvy about relationships. That's not guaranteed, but we often are more accepting of personal differences and more realistic about our own shortcomings, as we get older. But only if you move forward with your eyes wide open.
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Other Resources
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