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Dealing With Shock and Guilt
Last month we looked at the Five Stages of Divorce Grief. Now we come to two sub-stages that are particularly evident in divorce grieving. The first, Shock, occurs in the initial Denial phase. The second, Guilt, may permeate virtually the entire grief period.
Shock
We tend to think of "shock" as being sudden. But the dictionary tells us it can be "a disturbance in the equilibrium or permanence of something" or "a sudden or violent mental or emotional disturbance." Therapists confirm that shock need not have the suddenness of a lightning bolt. You may have known for some time that your marriage was in trouble, but the final realization of the loss may still create a sense of shock.
Among the most common symptoms are extreme disorientation, numbness, difficulty with short-term memory, physical distress, and/or confusion. As part of Denial, the divorce-bound person may seek refuge in fantasy. "He's going to come in the front door this evening, and everything will be just like it's always been." There's comfort in the familiar. Denial provides a necessary buffer zone in which the unconscious prepares itself for the massive change ahead.
Guilt
Although both spouses may experience feelings of guilt, they do so at somewhat different times. The Leaver can feel guilt over leaving the marriage, no matter how unhealthy. In fact, the longer the co-dependent marriage goes on, the more each party is locked into their giving receiving role. The giver became accustomed to always putting others' desires and interests before his or hers. It may be agonizing for that person to suddenly put their mental well-being ahead of doing for others.
On the other hand, the Left may do a lot of hand wringing over various "if only" issues. If only I had been a better provider, lover, caregiver, companion, the Leaver wouldn't have gone.
The shock becomes less numbing with time, as the sufferer is better able to accept the fact of the major life change they now face. Both aspects of guilt can be addressed in joint counseling, or counseling for closure.
~ November 1999
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Divorce Counseling for Closure
Divorce Recovery Journaling and Affirmations
Getting Along with Your Ex After the Divorce
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