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Leaving Again
Question
I'm about to leave my husband for the third time in a year. My marriage isn't a very healthy one, which is why I continuously think that I'd be better off on my own.
I don't have kids and I have a pretty good state job, but I'm so scared of being alone... even though it's something that I've been craving for so long. I feel like a prisoner in my own home! If you have any suggestions, I'd appreciate hearing them.
Answer
You don't say how long you've been married or what went wrong. But between your leaving twice already and feeling trapped in your own home, I'd guess that you're desperate to end the marriage. Starting over single is scary. The prospect of flying solo and having to cope with everything from balancing the checkbook, to fixing the disposal, to coming home from work to an empty home every night can make you terribly anxious. You may also dread the reactions of your friends and family. But they don't know the situation the way you do.
Consider this. What will your life be two years from now if you stay in your marriage, and what would it be like in two years if you were divorced? Most major life transitions fill us with fear. It's easier and more comfortable to keep things just the way they are, even though that may be lousy. Chances are you won't ever get to that more peaceful and fulfilling future until you go through the pain of separation and divorce.
Have you and your husband gone for joint counseling? If not, you might benefit from that. Whether you're trying to figure out how to save the marriage or simply doing counseling for closure (looking together at what went wrong with the marriage), you'll make a healthier start on your new life after talking things over with a therapist.
There are a couple of books I'd recommend. Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum may help you in making your decision. If you choose divorce, my book Your Pocket Divorce Guide will explain the divorce process, including how to protect your assets and privacy when you separate.
Good luck to you in making your decision!
~ Linda C. Senn
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