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Alcohol and Marriage
Question
I've been separated from my husband of 20 years for about a year now. He is an alcoholic and the major reason for the divorce. I have lost friendships with my SISTER, my sister-in-law and my neighbors, who seemed to be so close to me. No explanations, just a total cold shoulder.
They all drink, somewhat on a regular basis, but I don't. In each case, the woman is basically in the same situation I am in. Husband is orally abusive and HEAVY drinker! Seems like I've alienated them for some reason.
Answer
The disease of alcoholism is like a rock in a pond... the ripples move out in ever-widening circles and touch everything and everyone in their path. You say your relatives also drink and/or are married to alcoholics themselves, and I've observed over my years of providing alcohol and drug counseling that misery does indeed love company. When one person, such as you, breaks out of the cycle of that misery almost everyone who is still in it will be resentful and angry with the person trying to leave.
There are psychological reasons for this, but I simplify it and call it the Lobster Pot syndrome. When lobsters are thrown into the same tank or pot, eventually one or another of them will try to crawl out. An amazing thing happens... the other lobsters try to pull the would-be escapee back into the pot.
You're living proof you can get out of the boiling pot, and you're also a constant reminder to them that IF THEY CHOSE TO, they could do the same. From what you say, it would seem they're either not ready or choose not to leave. However, their comfort zones have been violated and it's easier to ignore you than to deal with their own issues.
My advice: take care of yourself and trust in your belief system. People will fall away from you or stick with you, and you have to let them choose which it will be. If they really matter to you, let them know you're still available for a relationship. Otherwise, mourn the loss of the relationships and let them go. They may in time come back around but if they don't you'll have gone on with your life and made it better.
~ Mary Stuart, M.A.
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