July ~ Ask the Expert

Question

My wife of three years just left me to go with her ex-husband (and father of her children). She went over to visit the children and called me and said "I am not coming back except to get my stuff." She says she just wants her family back. I am having a difficult time coping, How do I get through this and keep myself from trying to reconcile with her. She also left me two years ago saying the same thing, but didn't move in with her ex. Within weeks she was calling, saying what a mistake she'd made, and could we work it out.

Answer

You're wise to want to guard against getting back together. It sounds like your wife has been an unstable partner for much of your marriage. My advice is to let go. If you haven't been in joint counseling yet, you might try that. But definitely get some counseling for yourself. The kind of emotional roller coaster she's put you on is miserable and leaves you forever wondering when she'll leave again.

It takes courage to move on. Good luck!

Linda Senn
author Your Pocket Divorce Guide
co-author The Divorce Recovery Journal

Question

I'm trying to figure out when I should remove my wedding and engagement rings. Is it when we separate, or file for divorce, or only after the divorce is final?

Answer

Good question! The time to remove your ring is purely a matter of personal comfort. I removed mine about a month after I moved out, a couple of months before the divorce was final. Some would remove it as soon as they separated, others would wait even after the final decree was handed down. At one time, women who had young children would leave their rings on for months or years. But that's seldom done anymore.

Follow your own instincts, and good luck.

Linda Senn

Question

… can you recommend some good books on recovery? I'm still hurt and wounded a bit. My husband left me. My spirits seem to be lifting but I'm scared about the dating scene or meeting people because I was hurt. How do I heal?

Answer

Divorce recovery is basically a grieving process. (There's an excellent article in the DivorceTransitions.com Articles Archive on Divorce Grief.)

Therapists estimate that it takes from 2 - 5 years to recover. But we all know the exception who never gets past it, and the other few who seem to come through unscathed. Check out the article. It helps to remember, too, that you may be in more than one of the stages at once and that you may hop back and forth between phases. It's not a smooth process. Be as patient with yourself as you would be with a dear friend, and keep a strong, loving emotional support group around you. Gradually increase doing the things that make you smile (like going to the movies) and get together more with friends who aren't judgmental and who will cheer you on when you need a shot of courage.

Also, I co-authored a wonderful book called The Divorce Recovery Journal that helps you look at how you're feeling at the moment and enables you to better see how you can steadily progress through the pain, the fears, and the confusion of recovery. A lot of the quotations are funny - all of the advice is right-on. I know - I've been divorced for 5 years.

Good luck!

Linda Senn