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In Limbo
Question
My husband and I have been having marital problems for about 5 years now, and following a recent fight, he physically moved out of our bedroom and set up a bed in his study. (His choice.) I worry about how this looks to the children, ages 7 and 11.
We were in counseling for but nothing improved. At this point love is gone, we haven't been intimate in years, there's a constant underlying tension between us, and we're in limbo waiting for someone to make the next move. My husband keeps pushing me to make the decision to leave, but I'm not sure if that is in the best interests of myself and my children. I know he wants the marriage to end, but he won't take the initiative because he wants to be blameless.
He won't even admit that he doesn't love me anymore, but his behavior and actions prove otherwise. He wants me to be the bad guy. I work full-time as a secretary in a high-tech company; we own a home together; and my husband earns a very good salary. I worry that the children will get caught in the middle...I can already see evidence of that happening. What is your advice?
Answer
This is indeed a sticky situation. It sounds as if your survival instincts have kicked in, and that's good because your husband seems to be protecting himself. I know you've tried counseling, but if one party is determined the marriage is over that party has no motivation to work on the relationship.
If this is your husband's stance, and it seems by your description that it is, then perhaps you should suggest either counseling for closure or mediation. Counseling for closure consists of seeking professional help in deconstructing your relationship in the least destructive way possible. You go into it knowing the relationship is over, but requiring help with the emotional side of letting go.
Sometimes, this also moves into mediation, which deals more with the financial aspects of dissolving a relationship. Your children also need to be in a program aimed specifically at kids caught in the middle.
Check with your children's school counselor and inquire about programs available in your community. If you do nothing, you'll indeed be in this uncomfortable limbo for the foreseeable future. As far as your best interests are concerned, consult an attorney. Many attorneys will advise you what your best options are well before any divorce action takes place.
~ Mary Stuart, M.A.
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